What to Say If You Gave Someone an STD

Why This Conversation Matters (Even If It’s Over)

Let’s start with the gut check. Most people who transmit an STD didn’t do it on purpose. They didn’t know they were infected, or they assumed they were safe. But chlamydia, gonorrhea, and trichomoniasis don’t care if it was a “clean” hookup or if you had symptoms or not. STDs move fast and often silently.

This conversation isn’t just about clearing your conscience. It’s about giving the other person a chance to get tested, treated, and avoid complications. Left untreated, some infections can lead to pelvic inflammatory disease, infertility, or pass to other partners unknowingly. Silence delays care. And if you’re trying to rebuild trust, or just close the loop with dignity, telling the truth might be the hardest thing you do, but also the most healing.

One guy we spoke to, a 29-year-old named Anthony, put it like this: “I kept putting it off. I told myself she probably already knew. But when I finally told her I had tested positive for chlamydia, she actually thanked me. She said it made her take her own health more seriously.”

How to Know You May Have Transmitted an STD

You don’t have to be 100% sure you passed something on to have the conversation. Sometimes people test positive before you even realize you were exposed. Other times, you test first, but had recent partners who could be at risk. What matters is this: if you’ve been sexually active during the likely infection window, your partners deserve to know they might have been exposed.

Symptoms can be misleading. A mild itch, a sore throat, or even no symptoms at all can still mean you were contagious. According to the CDC, up to 70% of women and 50% of men with chlamydia have no symptoms. That means infections often go unnoticed for weeks or months.

Here’s a helpful reference table on common STDs, their silent spread potential, and average transmission risk per exposure:

Table 1. Even without symptoms, many STDs can still spread through unprotected sexual contact. Don’t wait for signs to take action.

People are also reading: From Dirty to Empowered: Reclaiming Your Sexual Health

Timing the Conversation: Too Soon vs Too Late

The moment you get your test result, your brain races through every contact. Should you message them now? Wait until you’ve talked to a doctor? What if they already tested negative, do you still have to bring it up?

Let’s clear one thing up: you don’t need to have all the answers before reaching out. But the timing can affect how your message is received. If it’s too soon (same day, still in panic mode), you might overwhelm them or speak from fear. If it’s too late (weeks later, they find out from someone else), it can feel like betrayal.

Here’s a simplified breakdown to help you frame your timing:

Table 2. Don’t wait for perfect timing. Most people appreciate honesty, even if it’s delayed.

And remember, disclosure doesn’t have to be a big in-person sit-down. A thoughtful message, even if it’s awkward, can protect someone’s health. That matters more than delivering it perfectly.

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What to Actually Say (With Examples)

So you chose to tell them. That's a big step forward. Now the hardest part is figuring out how to say it without making things worse or getting too upset or guilty. What is the good news? You don't have to write the best script ever. You just need to be honest, clear, and put their health ahead of your shame.

Start with the facts. Tell them what you tested positive for, when you tested, and that they might have been exposed. Then stop. Give them space to react. This isn’t about defending yourself, it’s about letting them make informed decisions.

Here are some examples from real life of how this might sound:

Text Option (For Someone You Hooked Up With Once):
"Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I tested positive for chlamydia." We had sex around that time, so you should probably get tested too. "I'm really sorry if this puts you in a bad spot; I didn't know I had it."

Phone/IRL Option (For a Current Partner):
“I just got my test results back, and I tested positive for herpes. I’m still wrapping my head around it, but I wanted to tell you right away because you deserve to know. We can talk about what this means and how to handle it together.”

Delayed Disclosure Option:
“This is hard to say, but I found out a while ago that I had gonorrhea. I thought it was from a partner before you, but now I realize you might’ve been at risk too. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

The goal isn’t perfection. It’s connection. Even if they’re upset, you’ve done the right thing by telling them. That’s more than most people manage to do.

Real Case Story: When I Finally Told Them

Nia, 26, found out she had trichomoniasis after a routine Pap smear. She hadn’t had symptoms, just a vague irritation she chalked up to laundry detergent. When the clinic called with her result, she panicked. “I froze. I thought my partner would leave me. I thought he’d accuse me of cheating.”

But after a few days of silence, she texted him. He didn’t reply right away. Two hours later, she got this: “Thanks for telling me. I’ll get checked.” That was it. No drama. No blame. And later that week, they talked about what safe sex would look like going forward.

Disclosure doesn’t guarantee forgiveness or understanding, but it does make healing possible. For Nia, the hardest part wasn’t the diagnosis. It was the fear of rejection. And once that passed, she felt… lighter. Seen. Human again.

Scripts for Different Relationship Types

Not every relationship needs the same kind of conversation. You wouldn’t tell a one-night stand the same way you’d tell someone you’re dating long-term. Here’s how to tailor your approach:

Current Partner or Spouse:
This is the worst wound and the best chance. Use language that is direct and shows you care. If cheating was involved, be honest but don't say too much. First, take care of their health, and then work on fixing the relationship. For example, "I need to tell you something that affects both of us." I have [infection]. I want to be open and work on this with you.

Recent Hookup or Casual Date:
You don’t owe a life story, but you do owe clarity. A short, respectful message is enough. Example: “Just found out I have [infection] and wanted to give you a heads up since we were together around that time. You might want to get tested. Take care.”

Ex-Partner:
Hardest when there’s no ongoing relationship. Consider using an anonymous service (see next section), or keep it clean and minimal. Example: “Hey, this is awkward, but I just tested positive for [STD]. We were together around that time, so I wanted to tell you.”

Remember: this isn’t about defending your worth. It’s about allowing someone else to protect theirs.

Emotional Fallout: Guilt, Shame, and Moving Forward

Guilt is normal. Shame isn’t useful. Here’s the difference: guilt says, “I did something I regret.” Shame says, “I am something bad.” The truth? You’re human. STDs are human. And telling someone you may have exposed them doesn’t make you broken, it makes you brave.

If the conversation goes badly, it doesn’t mean you were wrong to have it. You can’t control their reaction. You can only control your integrity. Sometimes people lash out because they’re scared or hurt. That’s not your burden to carry forever.

And if they thank you, or simply acknowledge it without drama, don’t downplay that either. You did something hard. You showed up. That counts.

If the emotions feel too big, talk to someone. A therapist. A friend who gets it. A Reddit thread where people have shared the same thing. You’re not the first person to navigate this mess. And you won’t be the last.

When They’re Angry (Or You’re Not on Speaking Terms)

Sometimes the person you need to tell doesn’t want to hear from you. Maybe you ghosted each other. Maybe they blocked your number. Or maybe they’re just plain pissed, and telling them now feels like lighting a match in a gas leak.

That doesn’t mean you stay silent. If you know (or even suspect) that someone could be at risk, you still have options. Disclosure isn’t about whether you like them, it’s about whether they deserve to know the truth. And if they’re angry? Let them be. That’s not your job to manage.

Darius, 34, tried to call an ex after testing positive for syphilis. She didn’t pick up. So he used an anonymous notification service online. “I felt like a coward at first,” he said, “but then I realized, this wasn’t about my ego. It was about her health.” Weeks later, she posted on Instagram that she’d tested and was clear. He never got a reply, but he got peace.

Anonymous STD Notification Services (Yes, They Exist)

Still scared to text or call? You’re not alone. Whether you’re dealing with a toxic ex, a one-night stand, or someone whose reaction you fear, anonymous notification tools can bridge the gap. They’re fast, free, and most don’t collect your personal data.

Here’s a quick comparison of the most commonly used tools:

Table 3. Anonymous tools can help you inform someone without direct contact. Always double-check the message before sending.

These services don’t include your name, number, or identity, but they do give the recipient clear next steps. You might never know if they act on it. But you’ll know you did the right thing.

People are also reading: Everyone Knows Everyone: The Hidden Shame of STDs in Small Towns

When You Don’t Know Who Gave It to Who

This part is trickier than most people want to admit. A lot of STDs don’t show up right away, and that makes timelines messy. You might have slept with someone a week before your symptoms started. Or a month before your partner said they tested positive. So who gave it to who?

The truth? You might never know. And it doesn’t actually matter when it comes to disclosure. If someone could have been exposed, even if they’re the one who gave it to you, they still need to know their status.

Trying to play detective doesn’t help your health, or theirs. Focus on testing, treating, and informing. Not blaming. As one doctor said in an interview with Planned Parenthood, “Treat it like a smoke alarm, not a crime scene. Everyone deserves to get out safely, no matter who lit the match.”

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Legal and Ethical Basics (Don’t Panic)

Here’s where a lot of people freeze. Can you get sued for giving someone an STD? Are you legally required to tell them? Will this end up in court?

It depends, on where you live, the infection, and whether there was intent. In the U.S., some states do have laws requiring disclosure of certain infections before sex, especially HIV. Others classify “knowingly transmitting” an STD as reckless or even criminal behavior. But unintentional exposure, especially when followed by honest disclosure, rarely ends in prosecution.

If you’re scared about legal fallout, talk to a public health nurse or local health department. They’re trained to help you notify partners safely, and in some areas, they can even do it for you anonymously through contact tracing.

But ethics go beyond law. Telling someone is about care, not compliance. It’s about giving them the chance to protect their body and their peace of mind. That’s worth more than a clean legal record, it’s what decent people do.

FAQs

1. Do I really have to tell someone I gave them an STD?

Short answer? Yeah. If there’s even a chance you exposed them, it’s the right thing to do. Not because you owe them a life story, but because they deserve the chance to protect their health. Think of it less like a confession, more like a heads-up.

2. What if I’m not 100% sure it was me who gave it to them?

That’s totally fair, and totally normal. STDs don’t come with timestamps. If you tested positive and had sex with someone around that time, it’s worth letting them know. You don’t have to say “I gave this to you,” just: “Hey, there’s a chance you were exposed.” That’s enough.

3. Can I get in legal trouble for giving someone an STD?

Maybe, but it's not common. Some states require people to tell others about certain infections, like HIV, especially if they don't want to. But in most cases, especially with common STDs like chlamydia or gonorrhea, being honest and open with each other is very helpful. Call your local health department if you're not sure. They won't tell anyone, but they can help you figure it out.

4. Is a text enough, or do I have to tell them in person?

A text is absolutely enough. Would it be ideal to sit down face-to-face and have a deep, connected talk? Sure. But it’s not always possible, or safe. A respectful, clear message by phone or text still counts. Better a slightly awkward message than no message at all.

5. What if they’re furious or don’t believe me?

You can’t control their reaction, and it might be messy. But you still did the right thing. Even if they rage, ghost, or throw accusations, you showed integrity. That matters. And their emotions aren’t a reflection of your worth.

6. I don’t have their number anymore, what can I do?

You’ve got options. Services like TellYourPartner.org let you send an anonymous text or email. No names, no drama, just the info they need. If you have a username or email from an app or hookup site, that can work too.

7. Should I wait until I’m done with treatment before saying anything?

Nope. The sooner, the better. If they wait for symptoms, they might wait forever, and some infections can do real damage quietly. Tell them now, even if you’re still figuring things out. You can say, “I’m starting treatment now and wanted to let you know.” That’s more than enough.

8. Do I have to tell casual hookups, even if it was just once?

If you had skin-to-skin contact or exchanged fluids, then yeah, they’re potentially at risk. Whether it was a one-night stand or a Tinder thing, it’s not about how serious the connection was, it’s about giving someone a shot at testing early. You don’t have to write them a novel. A two-sentence heads-up works.

9. What if we used protection? Do I still need to say something?

Condoms help a lot, but they’re not perfect. STDs like herpes, HPV, or even syphilis can spread from areas not covered. If you tested positive and had any type of intimate contact, it’s worth letting them know. Worst case? They test negative. Best case? You helped them catch something early.

10. What if I don’t tell them?

Let’s be real: a lot of people don’t. But that silence doesn’t erase the exposure. It just pushes the risk onto someone else. And if you’re reading this far, you probably care. Saying something might be hard, but carrying the weight of not saying it? That’s harder in the long run.

You Don’t Have to Carry This Alone

Owning up to a possible transmission isn’t about punishment, it’s about protection. You’re not just doing damage control. You’re doing harm reduction. And in a world where so many people stay silent, your honesty might be the thing that breaks a cycle.

Don’t wait and wonder, get the clarity you deserve. This at-home combo test kit checks for the most common STDs discreetly and quickly.

Sources

1. CDC – GetTested Partner Notification Tool

2. Partner Services – CDC

3. Partner notification methods to prevent or reduce STIs – NCBI

4. Optimising partner notification outcomes for bacterial STI control – PMC

5. Quality statement 6: Partner notification | NICE

6. Clinical Guidance for STIs – CDC

7. Sexually Transmitted Infections: Updated Guideline From the CDC – AAFP

8. Public health benefits of partner notification for HIV/STI – ECDC

9. Duty to Warn for Health Care Settings – CDC

About the Author

Dr. F. David, MD is a board-certified infectious disease specialist focused on STI prevention, diagnosis, and treatment. He blends clinical precision with a no-nonsense, sex-positive approach and is committed to expanding access for readers in both urban and off-grid settings.

Reviewed by: Mariah H. Benson, RN, MPH | Last medically reviewed: November 2025

This article is for informational purposes and does not replace medical advice.